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Letter to my 13-year old self.

Dude, first of all let’s get one thing straight: chicks do not dig guys who do not wear socks. It is not a ‘murui’ look… they say it is just stupid. I have no idea why. Its just a chick thing. So from now on, always ...always wear socks with those safariboots!

Anyway, I guess I should warn you to keep off Lingala music, contrary to what your older brother is telling you...Kanda Bongo Man will not save humanity and Shabba Ranks is not a long lost cousin. And ‘slope’ the hairstyle is not immortal. I know stuff is pretty confusing right now. So some advice…

To begin with, that neighbour chick that keeps asking you for the Topmark textbook isn’t that interested in History. She digs you! Big time! So strike while the iron is hot! If you don’t, she will hate you for he next 5 years then you will have a love-hate relationship thereafter.

I know mum is always telling you that you watch too much TV. She is definitely right…it ain’t right to spend the whole day at a neighbours place watching cartoons, help out a bit. But just to set the record straight, TV CANNOT make you retarded. It’s all a lie invented by mother to make you read a bit more! If it’s a consolation, the future you watches thrice as much TV!

Boarding school sucks. Get over it already, its been five years since you reported to that military camp. You got used to the weevils in the beans, the quarter cup of porridge for breakfast and the omni present hunger pangs. You will not die. This letter is proof that we made it into the future *insert loud cheer here*

You know that dream we had while in Std 3? The one in which we got employed as a driver for a No.9 manyanga? Well, it didn’t come true…we are currently employed though I have no idea how we landed the job! Sports pays. A lot! So wachana na bano na rounders uanze kucheza futa! PS: we no longer call them manyanga’s.

We are not rich….yet. But am working on it…hio Datsun kama ya uncle Brown tutanunua through hook or crook. We have the internet now. I cant tell you what it is. You guys haven’t invented the right vocabulary yet.
By the way, before you fret, the creativity and the random stuppidity is still there. The light hasn’t dimmed one bit.

I know dad is always on your case about mathematics. In fact, tell him the worst is yet to come. You will score a series of E’s in math exams over the next few years. This will in no way darken your future. Tell him in a few years, you’ll be sharing beer with him. LOL! LMFAO! (Refer to glossary for meaning)!

So ndio venye kuko. Keep doing what you do. Next year in secondary school, you will be accused of trying to burn down the school coz of the world cup. This should be your defense: DENY! DENY! DENY!

Bye for now, before you go to bed, hide that porn magazine somewhere else! A random raid by mum will discover the stash, and if she does, trust me, she will never look at you the same!

Oh? Ati love? Discover my friend…live and learn.

PS:1: when you write back, do not use sheng…hio mambo ya ma sonyi na ma ponyi hatutumii siku hizi.
PS:2: Hizo mocassin zako zimechapa mbaya.
PS:3: You will meet friends and foes along the way
PS:4: Sex is awesome!
PS:5: Alcohol is good for you.
PS:6: Future you still has big eyes. They haven’t invented corrective surgery for that yet. Fingers crossed!
Xoxo: (again, refer to glossary)

Baadeye mboys…

NB: that @Urbanekenyan dude is still black as hell!


carolkmail said...


1. TV CANNOT make you retarded - Check the mirror lately?

2. You will score a series of E’s in math exams over the next few years. - Oh your poor dad!

3. before you go to bed, hide that porn magazine somewhere else - The horror!

4. P.s 7: You are classified in the realm of partially disturbed individuals. You write to kill peoples with laughter.

urbanekenyan said...

Chief... uko na wire lose kwa head he heeee... Weevils sigh... Let me rest that vibe... and I am dark so I can match the yellows LOL!

wes said...

@carol that whole TV vs sanity debate was a lie...hehehe ati PDI(partially disturbed individual)
@UrbanKenyan that yellow/dark thing is very true...niulize tu!

Joliea said...

Twololo! very very funny hehe

fei said...

hehehe....i see what you mean!